Epilogue x 2: Nick Carter

If you want someone who's grown into a creeper, check out Nick Carter's website. He looks like he wants to kill you, or abduct your child or something. And check out the movie in his store... It's called The Pendant. He wrote, directed, produced, and starred in this short yet apparently terrifying film. Unfortunately, it is out of stock... I doubt it ever existed.

Prologue: I'm an awesome speller.

Chapter 1: Your Laptop

I can't say I'm a big fan of making spur of the moment decisions when it comes to electronics because they happen to be my enemy in life. Second to Satan, I hate them the most. I almost said Stan... good thing I don't know a Stan, or that would be really offensive. But it's a love-hate relationship with electronics (unlike Satan) because I need them. But I hate them. And I hate that I need them. And they hate me. As facebook would say, it's complicated. But Rachel, if you bought this computer, I am sure that it is going to work for you. I trust that you thought hard about it and were wise enough to make a good decision. If it does happen to be a mistake, no big deal. God will make sure it all works out.

Chapter 2: Miss Butt

That's a ridiculous name. Not even Jane Austen can pull that one off.

Chapter 3: Hunger

I hope you are eating now. I am eating soup. However, it is not very satisfying. It's so liquidy... I have to hunt to find anything substantial to put in my mouth. I am sure I will be hungry again in like an hour. I did not eat breakfast today. I really do not like to eat breakfast. Even if I am actually hungry in the morning, nothing wets my whistle. (Which reminds me of the time when a traveling salesman came to our door and asked if we had anything to wet his whistle because he was so thirsty.) I made the mistake of telling my boss once that I had eaten a hot pocket for breakfast. Now he asks me all the time. My eating habits seem to intrigue him. I wonder if I will have to show him the hot pocket video... perhaps. He's a cool boss.

Chapter 4: Apologies

Sorry you're bored. Sometimes I am too, but I slack off and get away with it because I'm not really an employee.

Chapter 5: Empowered Women

That is pretty cool. I was considering cutting all of my hair off as a sign of female empowerment. Not really, but I think I might cut it. It's annoying. Like femininity. JK!!!! Femininity ROCKS... sorry boys. You rock too, but in a different way that I can't really relate to.

Chapter 6: Too Many Clothes

How interesting. I did not know you had that many clothes. I find that I am slowly but surely pulling a good chunk of what I own out of my closet to give away to the battered women's shelter. Just because I don't wear them enough to keep them, or they don't look as great on me as I once thought in that undoubtedly altered fitting room mirror. And I don't really have money to buy a lot of new clothes since I bought some work clothes recently, so now I don't have many work clothes or casual clothes. It's a predicament. But it forces me to be creative with my outfit making. Although, I think I may have to go buy a jacket at target since I can't wear sweatshirts to work... ay.

Chapter 7: Space Metaphor

I went to Saturn, but I didn't put a ring on it. I mean, it was no Venus. No way I'm going to tie myself down to one single planet! I'm still a playa! Man I am a meteor.... it looks like I'm coming toward you, Earth, but I'm not. I'm a tease... I'll just make you think I want you and then veer right towards Mars. Ohhhh and Earth, I may look good, like a hot star shooting across your sky, but I am bad news. The minute I set my sights on you, you are a goner. So stay away from me, Earth... I will put a crater in your heart. You don't want nunna this.

Epilogue: I bought an eggplant. I will experiment with it tonight.

Prologue: I can't believe I spelled Prologue right.

Chapter 1: Big Decisions
I bought a laptop last night. That's right. I threw down almost $800 for a brand new laptop. This was a big decision for me. I don't know if I've ever spent that much money at once before. I am worried that I made the wrong decision. They were about to get a bunch of new computers in, but it could take a month to get them all in and out on the floor. I don't have a month, I JUST DON'T! I NEED MY COMPUTER NOW! I WANT TO RECORD NOW! But still, I was worried that I'd buy this one then a newer, better one would come along and it'd be too late sad day for Rachel. The sales guy assured me that wasn't the case, but he kinda has to say that doesn't he? Also, it's a floor model. Bad thing about that is it is one for 10 hours and people use it. Good part, I got 10% off. It's a Samsung, which is a familiar brand to me, but not for laptops. My phone is a Samsung, and I like it so that's a good sign right? AHHHHHHHHHH I'm just trying not to freak out. God please let this laptop be the right thing for my music. AMEN!

Chapter 2: Hunger
I'M SO HUNGRY MY STOMACH IS EATING ITSELF! I don't know if I'll make it the next 15 minutes until my lunch time. In that case, Becca, I would like for you to know that you always held a special place in my heart. The part next to the Atrioventricular Valve in the Right Ventricle, where my heart tells me whether or not I should eat fast food.

Chapter 3: Boredom
I have become bored with my job. I pretty much do the same thing everyday. Blah. Hence why I'm blogging at 11:00am. But I can't type too much at once in order not to arouse suspicion. I spelled that wrong on purpose, but only if it's actually spelled right (I'm not sure).

Chapter 4: WHY ISN'T IT TIME TO EAT YET!?!?!?!?!?!

Chapter 5: Empowered Women
I had to go to a luncheon yesterday, which means I got free lunch. SCORE! It was for an organization for women ceo's and presidents and I guess the point of it is to empower them to excel in the business world. It was kinda cool. The keynote speaker is the dean of the Fisher School of Business at OSU and in 2008 was named 18th most powerful woman in the world by Forbes, which I thought was super cool.

Chapter 6: Once fairly good-looking celebrities who now look creepy
Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray.

Chapter 7: I Have Too Many Clothes
Case and Point: I have been working for 5 and a half weeks and have YET to wear the same top/dress twice. But they're all so pretty I couldn't BEAR to give them up. This reminds me about the plans you made a year ago for Halloween this year. Do you still plan on executing them?

Chapter 8: FINALLY!
I literally just received a text message from you for the first time in about 5 years. IT'S ABOUT TIME! Where have YOU been?

Epilogue: If I can spell prologue, I can spell epilogue. Success.

Rachel

Preface: This is the real post that I told you I was going to post so I'm posting it right now.

Chapter 1: You know what word I like but don't have much of a chance to use? Posit. It's not post, it's not deposit... it's in the middle. And I like it a lot. "I posited a...." I don't know how to use it. Did I make this word up?

Chapter 2: It looks like it's going to rain. I hope so because that might cool down this disastrous heat stroke. The environment is bipolar. I am serious. Mother Nature is in a funk and needs her some meds. Although I slightly hope it doesn't rain because my wipers are also in a funk. They are super streaky and one keeps coming off. And I don't really know how to put it back on... Eric put them on when I bought them... so I just have to hope that someone is in my car when it happens. Luckily it hasn't rained in a while so I haven't had to risk one flying off while they're in use. It could potentially be disastrous.

Chapter 3: I realized yesterday that I too am in a funk. I mean not a real funk, but I'm having Oxford withdrawl. It's time for me to visit. I just can't afford it. And I was thinking that it had been a forever since I had gone and that it would be okay to swing round for a couple days because it had been so long, but then I thought about it and realized that I was there less than a month ago. A MONTH. Why does it feel so long?!?!?!

Chapter 4: You are trying to facebook chat me right now. I am ignoring you.

Chapter 5: I need to wash my lunch bowl. Blahhhhhhhh where is Quinn when you need him??!?!

Chapter 6: I am debating with my friend from Florida the severity of a tornado and the severity of a hurricane. She just threw out the "we have lightning" card... I told her that we also have lightning. I told her that I think tornadoes are worse because in hurricanes you can take refuge, but tornadoes suck up your refuge. My logic is infallible. And my boss just joined the discussion. This is turning hardcore. They probably wonder why I'm typing emphatically as we discuss. I will not explain.

Chapter 7: I am going to name a list of words. Tell me the first thing you think of when you read the word. Jello. Rawr. Scotch. Bloody. Frill. Lawakakapingpongdingalingashang.

Chapter 8: I had a dream that Austin was a highly sought-after assassin. He was Parisian, no less. Refined and deadly... like the next Bond. I told him about this. He did not deny it. I wonder if he could take me... we all know my assassin potential is through the roof.

Chapter 9: I really really love watching Arrested Development. It's the funniest thing ever. Seriously. I laugh so hard. Half because I don't have many opportunities to laugh anymore so my humor barometer has greatly decreased, half because I love to laugh, and half because it's just that funny. I also love Glee. Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Later on I will fantasize about having a powerful voice and being on the show as the Racially Ambiguous Girl.

Chapter 10: I am in a weird mood. A weeeeeeeeeeeeeeird one. I wish you were here to witness it. And I often wish I was black. For the following reasons: 1) They have awesome voices, 2) They can wear anything and pull it off, 3) It is socially acceptable for them to be spunky, 3) Good cookin, 4) Adorable babies, 5) They can do so many things with their hair, 6) They dance in church, 7) They can dance, 8) Strong family values. Now this is conjecture based on my own experiences, and I know it differs for everyone, but.... they rock.

Epilogue: I am going to respond to you now. Get ready.

DELTA NU!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will write you a real blog post later, Rachel. Right now I just long to share this song with you. I tweaked it just a little, and added some vital comments.

Every night in my dreams (nightmares, really)

I see you, I feel you (watching me… it’s disturbing)

That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance (200 miles)
And spaces (farms) between us
You have come to show you go on (by stalking me)

Near, far, wherever you are (Reynoldsburg)
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you creep at my door
And you're here in my room and
My fear will go on and on

LUNAcy can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone (you have a very firm grip)

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life (and after) we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you creep at my door
And you're here in my room and
My fear will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear (except you)
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart (OR ARE YOU???)
And my heart will go on and on

On and on, Rachel…

ON AND ON.

To The Love Of My Life

Orlando, if you're reading this, ditch the model. I'm pretty sure I'm funnier, therefore more of a delight to be around. Plus, I make wicked awesome corn pancakes.

Sincerely,
The Woman You SHOULD Be Married To

To The Second Love Of My Life,

Hey Becca! Sorry about that first thing, just had to get it out of the way and he won't answer any of my phone calls and his bodyguards won't let me close to him (but no order can restrain my love for Orlando!)

So, sad news, I think I'm going to have to unbutton my black vest. I was so excited this morning because I could button it without it being ridiculously tight, but now, after lunch, I think it's going to have to be unbutttoned.

I made a very big mistake yesterday. A MONUMENTAL MISTAKE! I was at Kroger and saw that the Special K cereal bars were on sale, including my favorite flaver, Honey Nut. So I bought two boxes, yesterday. TODAY one and a half boxes are gone. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I CAN'T STOP EATING THEM!!! HELP ME BECCA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But on the plus side, I just spilled some rice on my pants and I'm wearing my shiny blue shirt today.

I think I am seriously going to work on making wedgie-free underwear. And I sincerely hope that some of our readers (and even you) just made the "That's gross and I can't believe she put that in the blog" face.

I wonder what it would feel like if a squirrel ate off your big toe. If that happens to you, will you let me know what it feels like?

You haven't been on facebook very much recently and that makes me VERY ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just received a test email from one of our VPs. I hope I did okay because I didn't study for it. Bahahahahahahaha I'm so funny. I'm pretty certain that this makes me a joy to work with (poor Megan)

I have now checked out 3 new churches, and didn't really like any of them. This makes me very sad because I need a new church and fellowship with people my age SO BADLY! I think it's the reason I've been so depressed lately. Sunday, I got really sad and cried for no apparent reason. Can you send me some of your happy pills? The chewable ones? Shaped like Spiderman? Thanks.

Okay that's it. I'm leaving. And you can't stop me. So don't even try. Because you will not succeed. Nothing will hold me back from leaving. NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!!!!

Bye,
If you don't know by now I would seriously question your intelligence

Dear not my mortal enemy,

whatever.

love, your actual best friend and not a movie character named charlie.

To My Mortal Enemy:

I will get you.

Sincerely,
WATCH YO BACK!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

That was my response to your last post. I don't know why, but I found you to be extremely funny today. Maybe I'm in good spirits because I had pizza and got off work early and took a power nap. More likely it's because I don't have to go to the gym today, and the freedom is exhilarating.

I must expand my vocabulary. Normally, I think that my vocabulary is pretty decent. But there is this other girl who is a VISTA in Indianapolis, and whenever I see her, I feel so INADEQUATE!!! I mean, today she used the word "oedipus" in casual conversation. But she's also from Oregon. I feel like everyone from Oregon is smart and trendy. It doesn't matter. I need to get studying. Next time you see me, I will uppercut your cranium with astute and sagacious lexicon. OH MY GOSH I WILL BE JOEY!!! Hey hey, remember when I was studying for the GRE and I remembered the word esoteric because it reminded me of eric both in sound and definition? Totally got that question right. Thanks, Eric.

I have decided that I will now make you afraid of something. I am going to choose an object at random right here and now. Get ready Rachel, because this will effect the rest of your life. I choooooooose: THE PEANUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Sincerely, your mortal foe for all humanternity

Becca Bo Peep,

I come to you and the world with a heavy heart for I carry with me, a tragic load of bad news. Now would be the time to get the tissues. The lead singer of LFO, Rich, died yesterday after a 5 year battle with Leukemia (did I actually spell that right the first time!). Yes the world mourns its loss of such a musical talent as Rich from LFO. I know I have put a comical twist on this news, but I actually am very sad about it. He was only 35 and died of a very painful cancer. It doesn't matter if the person is famous or not, it's still sad. But I rejoice because he's in heaven now (at least I hope he's in heaven) where he has no pain and harmonizes with Jesus about Summer Angels. I honor of Rich of LFO, I have added Summer Girls to our playlist and included the words to the chorus below: (now imagine me reading them outloud in the silly, yet dramatic way I do)

New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer
for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch
I'd take her if I had one wish
But she's been gone since the summer
since the summer

Here is an updated list of my realizations for the week:
1) I've found that a majority of the time I am working on stuff at my job, my mouth is hanging open. Perhaps this is the root of my throat problems? I've been trying to keep my mouth shut more often, a blessing I'm sure the world has been waiting for for a while now.
2) Wine is the most deceitful drink I can think of. I look at it, in all its deep red beauty, and I know that it's made from grapes, so of course I expect it to tast like grape juice, sweet sweet grape juice. BUT IT LIES AND FOOLS AND LEADS FALSE WITNESS!!!! My taste buds begin spewing (sp?) hateful words in the form of bitter taste. Ick, I can't stand it. I like to call wine the Commandment Breaker for falsely leading me to believe that I would like it.

I just heard the weirdest death I've ever heard of. A guy was crushed to death when a thousand pound bail (bale?) rolled down a hill, through a wooden gate, and smashed into his car. Dramatic isn't it?

Wow this post had a very morbid theme so far. In an attempt to counteract the morbidness of death, I have included in this post two pictures. One of an ADORABLE baby duck, and one of an ANGRY baby duck yelling at you.

And just so you know, I will NEVER forget or relent in my mission to give you Antidaeophobia.

the first half hour of my lunches are boring without you.

I am going to start playing electric guitar and keyboard for the praise team at my church. This is will be interesting because I'm not good at improvising and stuff like that, but I think this will really push me and help me to get better.

I'm going to read now. It's taken me about a year to finish reading this book. I WILL FINISH IT BY THE END OF SEPTEMBER! Tis my goal.

Sincerely,
DUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beccala,

There is something you should know. You're hair is not OBVIOUSLY brown. While upon very close examination and comparison, you can tell that it's dark brown, it is not obviously brown. From afar it looks black. Do not get mad at people for mistaking your hair color. It is a small offense. At least they don't accidently mistake you for a dude. But I do know what you're going through. People mistake me for Keira Knightly all the time. Okay so it's not exactly the same, but close.

It's a good thing I have a lunch break or else I'd probably never remember to post back.

Last Saturday my brother and I went to the Sweet Corn Festival because they have really good donuts. Apparently everyone else in the entire midwest did the same thing because we waited in line for an hour and a half to get these donuts! But it was totally worth it because they're DELICIOUS! I accidentally ate 7 this weekend. Oops.

I'm talking to my new best friend Jesse Mentz on facebook right now. He's in Scotland, so he's speaking "Scottish" on chat. I like this kid.

My office mate Megan's phone keeps going "Say a Command" when she accidently presses a side button and I keep wanting to shout things like "DANCE!" or "HOKEY POKEY!" or "SING!" But I thought that might be unleashing too much Rachel craziness too soon. I don't know if these people can handle the REAL Luna.

I should probably heat up my lunch now. I've decided to go on a diet, in that I'll just eat Lean Cuisines with sides of fruit and veggies for my meals. I'll let you know how it goes.

Goodbye my love,
Rachel

Rachiculous,

My hair is brown. It is so clearly brown. I don't understand why people think that it is black... like that one time in high school where we were in groups and lined up in order of color, and they put me first AHEAD of the Mexican kid!!! What were they thinking? My hair is brown.

I don't remember anything you said in your post. That's not entirely true actually. I remember a bit. But i'm too lazy to open a new tab to read it again. You can deal with this.

I am listening to high school musical soundtracks.

And talking to Riley Taylor.

I'm sorry it's raining there. It's absolutely beautiful here. I'm wearing a sweater and jeans, and I was sitting outside reading because it's cool and blue skies with marshmallow clouds and sunshine and a nice breeze. I had a strong latte and my Bible and my work book... and was getting paid for it. So great. SO great. Thanks, Jesus.

I have decided that I am pretty sure I am going to seminary next year. I'm not positive. But... I think that's where my heart is pulling me. We'll see. It's been an interesting few days. But I've decided that if Rachael and I go to Covenant (IF) then I want to convince you and eric to go down there and we can form a crime fighting squad to serve the city. Like the power rangers. Or the teenage mutant ninja turtles. We could make cardboard turtle shells. I like this idea.

Zac Efron = dreamy <3

Although in real life he seems like he would be... what's a less offensive slash not as ugly synonym for douche? That's complete conjecture though. Jesus loves him so I do too. He could be perfectly nice. I hope he's as nice as his voice.

My nails are entirely too long.

It's a 3-day weekend. What to do with myself? Give me ideas. Oh movie ideas for you... depends on what kind of mood you are in. Text me your mood. I'll give some suggestions based on what I think is out right now in the Box of Red:

Heavy - Remember Me

Romcom (and ironically international) - Leap Year, When in Rome

Epic - Avatar

Intense - Book of Eli

Heartwarming - the Blindside

Surprisingly enjoyable - Becoming Greta

Horrible - Up in the Air

I am going to post a couple thingys from dearblankpleaseblank for your enjoyment:

Dear Drive Thru ATM,

I am a little concerned to see braille all over you. Personally, I don't think blind people should be driving.

Sincerely, A more alert driver.

Dear Klondike Bar,

I would do almost anything for you, but I won't do that...

Sincerely, Meatloaf.

Dear Waldo,

If you and I got together, we'd have some seriously invisible babies.

Sincerely, Carmen Sandiego.

K bye.

Becca :) :( :/ :D ;) :? :O <:] :{)

To my ravenous Becca,

I understand what you mean about being hungry when you get home from work. I"M STARVING when I get home. But I do try to work out before I eat. Tonight I shall be taking home left over pasta from work so I don't have to cook or pay for anything. I really am trying to eat less, but I'm failing miserably. Food is just SOOOOOOO GOOD!

Mission to exact revenge on Rachael and Sammy in progress. They shall learn their lessons and bother you no more.

I am extremely interested to see who's children turn out weirder. However, I would like to raise the stakes to twenty future dollars and three free babysitting nights. That panel is perfect, as they all have much personal experience with weirdness. My children are already excited about winning this competition. That's right, I went there. Be careful before you respond. You should remember that I have...connections if you know what I mean.

Just so you know, it's raining really hard here.

Also, you should know that I'm wearing a yellow shirt, which is a big step for me because I usually look AWFUL in yellow.

I really really REALLY want a bunny
I go through at least 2 or 3 water bottles a day (that's at least 48-60 ounces)
I need to decorate my office more
I am covering phones for my second time today, which means if you called, I'd answer
I just realized that every one of these sentences has started with "I"
ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Just to shake things up a little)

Have you heard about Stephen Hawking's new book? He basically says there's no reason we need a God to have created the universe. My heart aches for him. I secretly want him to become the next Paul. But now it's not a secret.

I'm chewing a piece of gum, which is risky because the last time I did I got sick.

Peace Out Homie,
Rachel

Other working gal,

I too have to work out today. I am going to let my dinner digest first, though. When I get home, I am always SO RAVENOUS. So I eat dinner. And when I say eat dinner, I mean EAT DINNER. It's so delicious. Food is so delicious. You know what's even more delicious than food? Going camping.

I bet you look PAUSE. RACHEL SAMMY AND RACHAEL ARE HANGING OUT TOGETHER AND THEY WON'T TALK TO ME!!!!!!! I am requesting that you exact revenge for me using means that I know only you have available to you. I know you have connections. I mean, mainly those connections are me, but I'm sure you have other ones.

Anyway, I bet you look super fantastic in work dresses. I was going to say "I bet you look bangin" but then I decided that was a really awkward phrase. I think a work dress and heels are SUPER classy. I like to dress up for work because it's like dressing up a Barbie... only a real life accurately proportioned Barbie.

I'm excited for us to both have kids. I think we should right now make a bet to see whose kids will turn out weirder. Twenty of our future dollars. We should probably elect a panel who will have to decide... Rachael. Sammy. Amy. Eric. Riley. Rob. LOL I like this panel. Many different angles. Epic, Extreme, Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum, and Jimmy Changa await this competition with much anticipation.

I think this headband has now made a permanent impression in my skull.

I have a hangnail.

My luggage is purple.

I'm excited to see where I go after this year.

I like you.

I wish I could see you this long weekend that I have nada to do with.

Rebecca Lang

Americorps* VISTA

Neighborhood Christian Legal Clinic

Family Reconciliation Program Associate

Working Gal,

I am at work, wasting away my lunch break. I thought I'd write a quick note to you. How is your job going? Mine is going well. I don't mind it and I love the girl I work with. Although, to be honest, it makes me sad to think that I'd be here for at least a year, so I will heed your advice and start looking for another job in a few weeks. I'm thinking I should probably wait to leave until AFTER the free Casino trip. That kind of intelligent thinking is my college edumecation at work right there!

I am talking to you on facebook right now. This has made me realize two things:

1) I am grateful for facebook because it allows me to keep in touch with you better, which is better for my heart and soul.
2) I am grateful that we both have lunch breaks where we can chat with each other on facebook.

I think my job is more work than it seems because I am always SOOOOOOOO HUNGRY at work! I must be doing more than I think or else I wouldn't be burning that many calories. It's like I'm a soccer athlete, but without all the athletic stuff.

That reminds me of how wonderfully attractive soccer players are.

I have come to a conclusion. Would you like to hear it? How about all the people out there? Would you like to hear my conclusion? I thought so. Here it is:

I look AWESOME in work dresses. I tried some on at Target last night and looked fantastic in them all! I only bought two though.

I WANT A COOKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight is my workout night and I REALLY don't want to. But I should. I like to walk in the door and go change into my jogging clothes right away so I am less likely to rationalize my way out of it.

Okay, that's enough for now. I'm going to read my last 20 minutes of my lunch break.

Enjoy your job.

Your fellow working gal,

Rachel Fuhrman
Human Resource Specialist
UNICON International Inc.